Dying to the Vision of Marriage

Brook (Tingom) Wayne

Dear Kindred Spirits,

Weddings. They are so beautiful—a ceremony that unites two hearts together. How much more beautiful even is the union of a Christ-centered marriage. How lovely it is to see two lives come together to further glorify God’s name! I was privileged to be a bridesmaid to such a marriage this September, in a wedding of my dear friend Jessica.

It was a bit sad, though, to watch Jessica marry—no more summer visits or ice cream sundaes in the middle of the night, or long afternoons antique shopping. Who did this young man think he was to steal away my friend!? Ah, well, such is the way God has established.

How lovely Jessica was, bedecked in bridal white! Her mother had sewn her wedding gown—a most elegant dress that perfectly suited Jessica. I was a little on the nervous side when, just two hours before the ceremony, the dress was finally finished, but even more amazed that Mrs. Hillmann appeared so very calm! It was good to see a young lady who had never dated, never had a boyfriend, but who had committed herself to saving her heart for her future husband. She didn’t spend her youth searching for her husband, but waited until God brought her husband into her life. At her wedding, she was ready to step out from under her father’s household and care, to be joined to her husband.

It was indeed a beautiful wedding!

“He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.”* (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

Here Paul draws a clear distinction between married women, and unmarried women. Unmarried women have their hearts full of God’s work. Married women necessarily have their hearts full of the family and home. We have discussed much the importance of the married woman’s role in her family and home, and the glory which she is able to give God through fulfilling the duties and responsibilities set before her. But let us now turn our attention to the unmarried woman—the position we young women are in at present.

Paul writes that unmarried women care for the things of the Lord, he doesn’t mean that married women do not care for the things of God, but they are merely caring for God’s things by caring for their families. The unmarried woman, however, does not have the needs of the family to attend to, and is therefore able to look after the things of the Lord free of the many duties of tending to a family. She can devote most, or even all of her time to the Lord’s service. I think there is also a bit of admonition in this verse, which Paul seems to assume, and it is this: young women, unmarried women, ought to care for the things of God. We girls should be attending to the work of God, we should be taking to heart His ways, we should be caring for the things of God. As young, unmarried women, our lives need to be focused on God, and that focus should be manifested by all that we do, and speak. Basically, since young unmarried women do not need to spend their time considering how they might please their husbands, their attention should be on the things of the Lord.

So, how might a young woman “care for the things of the Lord”? That is simple—for it is doing whatever God directs you to do. Has God called you to minister to little children? Or help in your family’s ministry? Then do it whole-heartedly, caring for His things. Has God given you many tasks at home, caring for younger siblings? Or caring for the sick? Then go about your work cheerfully, as unto the Lord. Roll up sleeves and set about to care for the things of the Lord by picking up the scattered toys and helping turn your family’s thoughts to God. In all things, serve the Lord. “And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus.”* (Colossians 3:17)

We see, in going about caring for the things of the Lord, we are to do that which He sets in front of us to do. He has, in each of our paths, just the right place for, us to serve Him. Don’t shrink from committing to caring for His things! There is no task too small though which we cannot glorify Him, nor any job too great, that He cannot teach and guide us in.

Waiting on the Lord

This summer my family and I were visiting some friends of my father’s. As many people do, the wife asked if I was dating. I replied “no,” and my mother and I began to explain the courtship plan to her, and about the need to save one’s heart for marriage. Next she asked if there were any young men of our acquaintance that I was interested in.

That’s just the point. I have purposed to save my heart for my future husband; I do not look about me to see whom it is I might marry. I’m not depending on my own judgment in selecting a husband, or attempting to find that person. God is so much more capable of that! If He has created the entire earth and taken such special care of me throughout all my days, if He has guided me in His ways and not the paths of evil, if He has placed lessons in even the smallest of matters for my growth, shouldn’t I trust God to choose my husband? I needn’t go “looking about,” for I am then taking into my own hands something I cannot control, but have only the potential to ruin, and am taking from God a responsibility I am not meant to have. Rather, I need to let God handle the matter completely, allowing Him to work out am the details in my life.

This is an area in which we need not be alert, dear sisters. Yes, we must be alert in guarding our hearts, but there is only harm in anxiously watching for (or attempting to claim) a future mate. If we trust God is watching over our futures and is able to bring about His will, then we needn’t give thought to it at all. And don’t worry that you’ll somehow miss it! I’m sure that when God brings His will about, He’ll make it so obvious, you couldn’t miss it. Until then, we are to serve the Lord free of distractions. When we place our hearts in God’s hands, trusting Him for the future He wants for us, He’ll give us a peace that is so much more wonderful than worrying about your future.

God Has a Plan for You

Another issue young women face is the question, “What if God doesn’t have marriage for me?” This can seem a frightening prospect—a long life without husband, children, and home. Marriage is a wonderful, honorable thing, and is pleasing unto God—Who created marriage in the first place. But God does not necessarily have marriage in mind for every one of us. He blesses many with marriage and though He doesn’t give everyone the same gift, it doesn’t mean He is not blessing those who are single. He just has different blessings in mind for them. If God gives you a life of singleness it is because He has a special plan for you and is giving you the most effective life of opportunity to serve Him. Remember our goal in life isn’t to marry! It is rather to serve and obey God—and we can do this with the life He gives each of us, whether married or unmarried. We just need to patiently wait on God’s plan to unfold, trusting that what He has in store for us is for His greatest glory and our greatest good.

Though God may give me a future different than I might choose, I am determined to rejoice in it, for I know He loves me so very much, that He has planned all my days. “And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.”* (Psalm 139:16)NASB And I know that He has a future that is for my greatest blessing and the life wherein I can give God the most glory.

It is so easy for young women to make marriage the “landmark” of their life, by over-focusing on it. While we are to prepare for the responsibilities of a wife and mother, there needs to be a proper perspective in that, while it is looked forward to, it is not the main course of thought. Jesus must be our main focus throughout our entire lives, and in the present when we are not married, and thus not needing to devote attention to the duties of the wife. If marriage is over-focused upon, we young women shall undoubtedly grow discontent with the time God has given us now. If our thoughts are in a land of daydreams, can we be alert to how God wants to use us, or how we may enjoy our parents and siblings now?

There is also a need, I believe, to commit to rejoicing in the present time and not allowing it to pass away in idleness in anticipation of the future. Our attention needs to be not on marriage; for as unmarried women, our focus ought to be on Christ. In the same manner, we need to commit to rejoicing in whatever God has for each of our futures. Tell God you will be cheerful, even if He doesn’t have marriage in store for you. God will provide the contentment and joy if we hand over ourselves to be trained by Him.

Isn’t it wonderful that God has all of our days in His hands? If He has marriage planned for you, He has already set the time and knows the very name of your future husband. He knows what preparation you’ll need, and even now, is placing incidents in your life, giving you experiences, teaching you His ways and giving you guidance that, if you accept in a manner pleasing to God, are shaping you, as nothing else could, to be a help-meet to the husband God has for you. God can use your interests and particular enjoyments, your past and your future for your preparation. Does this mean we can lie back and watch God work? No. Certainly it means we must work all the more diligently, knowing that God has all the small opportunities, and the life-changing events placed before you in order to develop you into the woman He wants you to be. All those opportunities are for growing in character, in learning lessons and skills and preparing to serve God, whether married or single.

Just as God has already planned the marriage of some young women, He has also planned the lives of other young women to remain single. As He prepares some to be help-meets to their husbands, so He places circumstances and lessons, as well as special blessings and joys in the lives of those whom He is preparing for a future of glorifying God without the daily duties of the wife and mother.

A single life is not something to be avoided at all costs—a single life is also blessed by God, and full of joys. Isaiah 54 reminds us: “ ‘Shout for joy, O barren one, you who have borne no child; Break forth into joyful shouting and cry aloud, you who have not travailed; For the sons of the desolate one will be more numerous Than the sons of the married woman,’ says the LORD. ‘Enlarge the place of your tent; Stretch out the curtains of your dwellings, spare not; Lengthen your cords And strengthen your pegs. For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left. And your descendants will possess nations And will resettle the desolate cities. Fear not, for you will not be put to shame; And do not feel humiliated, for you will not be disgraced…. For your husband is your Maker.’ ”* (Isaiah 54:1-5)NASB

Isn’t this true? Think of some of the well-known “unmarried” women of recent history. I am currently reading A Chance to Die, which is the story of Amy Carmichael. Amy never married, but God blessed her with many hundreds of children! She truly had to “enlarge her tent.” She could have married and lived an obscure life in Ireland, but that wasn’t God’s plan for her. He had a future for her in ministering to many, many children as a missionary and countless more through her writings. Though Amy is perhaps a unique example, the lesson is still the same. If God doesn’t have marriage for you, He has already planned it that way and will provide for you the way in which you can best glorify God.

Dying to the Vision of Marriage

Young women, we need to die to the vision of marriage. We need to give up our hopes and desires, placing it in God’s hands (Who is certainly most capable of handling it!). How tightly we wish to hold to it, though! We think by holding to our desire, we are ensuring that we get it, but really just the opposite is true. It is only when we let go of our desire and entrust it in God’s keeping, that we can be free from the burden of worry that so often pushes girls to reject God’s plan. It is by knowing God is in control of our futures that we are free to rejoice when He shows us His perfect plan. It is quite natural that young women eagerly look forward to marriage, but it must always be viewed as something God may give, and not something young women can control. This is a vital point, and goes back to some very basic principles. Who is in control?—God, or me? Am I allowing God to have complete control of my life; in particular, as this is the subject of discussion, of choosing a future husband? Am I allowing God to work in my life by keeping my thoughts and actions pure? Or am I really serving my own self first, and holding to a desire to marry? It is a question that must be asked. Who is in control of your life—including even your marriage? If we are Christians, our desire should be to make God the King of our lives. If we can come to this point, we will find that whatever life may bring, our refuge and faith will be a stronghold of peace.

We need to live, not seeking ourselves, or fulfilling our own desires, but living under God.

Finally, we need to trust in God’s perfect timing. Sometimes we tend to grow a little impatient in our eagerness for God’s will to be brought about. Just because there are no outward signs doesn’t mean God is asleep! Trust Him, that at His timing He will bring about His will, and know that He doesn’t need any help! Too often, young women think God isn’t doing anything, and try to “step in” to do things themselves. How this messes up God’s beautiful plan, though.

Look at this time of waiting for God’s plan as a special gift from the Father—an added bonus to enjoy your family for these remaining years, or to gain experience and expertise in an area that interests you. Take this time to continue your preparations for life, building upon lessons of the past, and seeking out new interests. Use your time wisely to be of service to those about you. Most importantly, dear sisters, keep Jesus your focus, the melody of your life. Seek Christ’s holiness, as you care for the things of God.

He has a plan for you! “ ‘For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.’ ”* (Jeremiah 29:11)NASB