We Trusted in God: Part 4

Physical intimacy is only honorable and lawful after a couple has taken vows of consecration to each other before God and man. By putting first the spiritual in the relationship between a man and woman who are approaching marriage, we find a special blessing. “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”* (Matthew 6:33) We never kissed until the day we were married. We were careful. We wanted to kiss. A strong physical attraction was present between us, but it was held in subjection until the time (1 Corinthians 9:27).

Following the example of other spiritual couples, we went to gospel services together. We discussed what was preached and shared our impressions. One night, I was taking her home from a service, where we had just heard a message on children. The preacher had advocated that a couple should have as many as they could. He said this was pleasing to the Lord. Trying to avoid this was displeasing, he stated. He and his wife were living to what he preached. Elois asked me how I felt. I did not know what to say. I looked to God in my heart. Finally, I told her that I would never want to do anything that would hurt her or injure her health. This answer seemed to suffice for the time. Although I had not considered this particular subject carefully, I felt certain that the Lord would not want us to do anything that would be detrimental, either. (The subject of how many children a couple should have deserves more extensive treatment than is possible to cover here in this article.)

The ability to discuss and deal with difficult, knotty decisions is so important to life together. A man and a woman will look at things differently. Will this cause you to disagree, or will you be able to bring together your different viewpoints to produce a consensus? Will the head of the family use his authority to crush and override the wife, or will he “dwell with [her] according to knowledge”* (1 Peter 3:7)? Will you, by the help of the Lord, forge a team of two to face life’s problems?

Now, twenty years have passed. We have two children, both daughters. A third little one was taken in a miscarriage. I have felt that we have had only these offspring to give us time and energy to devote to the children of others. What was the value of the conversation then? It was one of the first highly significant mutual problem-solving discussions that we had. It was the beginning of a pattern in our marriage. My companion was determined to submit herself to her husband, as the Lord requires. I was determined to dwell with her according to knowledge, as the Lord requires. There is a way to do both and get the blessing that God has prepared.

There was a lot of talk and gossip. There always is. It would be better if there wasn’t, but it always seems to be with us. A certain individual did not like it that Elois was going with someone who had recently been backslidden. This person made it their business to inform Elois of the “mistake” she was making. When Elois and I saw each other again, I could tell that she had something on her mind. She was not certain whether to tell me or not, as she did not want to pass on something that would be a discouragement to me. I leaned back in the car behind the steering wheel, and I said, “I’m going to be listening to you all the rest of our lives, so just tell me all about it.” So the whole tale tumbled out, including the answer that the Lord had given her when she prayed about it. He had shown her not to fear the rumour that shall be heard in the land (Jeremiah 51:46). I had long ago consecrated to simply live down any talk, truthful or not. What I saw in this, however, was that God Himself was dealing with my future companion and preparing her for us to go on together.

Really communicating is the life-blood of a marriage. Talking is not necessarily communicating. It is amazing how difficult it is to really impart what I mean and to really understand what you mean. Especially if you happen to be the opposite gender. One of the basic skills of a good marriage is this two-way discussing. It is an ability well worth developing; indeed, it is essential. We get an idea of its potential in its even more inspiring synonym, communion. A husband and wife who develop the ability to commune together.

Male and female do not communicate the same way. Observe the way women talk with women and men with men. To really talk with your wife will exercise you spiritually; to really talk with your husband will do the same.

Typically, the woman realizes the importance of communication more readily than the man. Her natural orientation toward motherhood, etc., seem to focus attention earlier on this vital need. The natural attitude of men is to downplay this “touchy, feely” stuff; they esteem the doing rather than the talking. If a man is saved and living for God, his walk with the Lord helps him here. He learns the importance of talking, communicating, communing with God. It prepares him for his journey through life with his wife. How wonderful are the ways of the Lord! “According as his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue.”* (2 Peter 1:3) Note that this scripture was inspired through a married brother.

Although talking with a woman may not come as naturally or as easily to a man as a wife may wish, I can assure you that the Lord can make it very rewarding. I have a very great respect for my wife’s thinking processes. She is just as intuitive in her cognitions as most women are and most men are not, and I have learned to value her insights and contributions a great deal. I appreciate the privilege of bringing both masculine and feminine thinking to bear on the problems with which we must deal. Of praying together. Of battling together against our spiritual foes. One may chase a thousand, but two can put ten thousand to flight. Yea, “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.”* (Ecclesiastes 4:9)

We began to plan our wedding. We wanted it to be simple and plain, not ornate or fancy. We believed that God wanted us to live simple and plain lives, dressing plainly in such a manner as adorns the gospel, rather than ourselves. Why should it be any different on our wedding day? Most of all, we wanted God to be magnified. We hoped that others might be stirred to follow the way of Divine guidance instead of other ways.

We admired the customs of old. A sister and brother would arise from their seats at a regular gospel service, be married by a minister before the congregation, sit back down as man and wife, and remain for the rest of the service. But we were counseled to set a time apart from a general service to allow attendance by many others in other congregations who knew us, loved us, and wanted to be there. Some of them came from quite a distance. We were married in the chapel at Enid, Oklahoma, that Elois’ father had helped construct. The reception for all the guests followed in the dining hall of the chapel. Elois’ mother felt inadequate to prepare for such a number of guests, so a relative of their family catered the occasion. We asked two quartets to sing spiritual songs, as we loved music. It was too much. We began to have misgivings. We found out that the pastor and his wife who had prayed us together were not planning to attend the ceremony. Other spiritual members of the congregation were not planning to attend, either. They had stopped attending weddings because they had gotten too fancy. We were doing everything we knew to avoid a fancy wedding, and this was the first I had heard of their convictions along this line. We seriously considered canceling the entire thing and getting married at the home of Elois’ folks with only immediate family in attendance. But it seemed to be too late to change plans.

It is one of my regrets that I did not learn about these spiritual brethren’s stand until the plans for my wedding were already in place. We did the best that we knew and walked in all the light that we had. If we had it to do over again, I think I would rather err on the side of too much simplicity and humbleness and less on the side of too much ado. There is something about human nature that tends to stress the importance of things through elaborate ceremony, but God does not work that way (1 Samuel 16:7).

I do feel that we avoided many things in our wedding, thereby bringing a great blessing to us. We certainly did not enter into a spirit of emulations toward other weddings. That is just wrong. We wanted each part to be spiritually meaningful in such a way that it would bring a blessing to others who loved the Lord and a reproof to those who did not.

The unspiritual young people had an abominable practice of covering the vehicle of the newly-married couple with shaving cream with which were inscribed silly and shallow sayings. Sometimes pebbles were put in the hubcaps and tin cans were dangled from strings tied to the lower regions of the automobile to make noise. The inside of the car would be filled with balloons. Then they would chase the departing couple, honking horns and generally engaging in riotous revelry. It was an ungodly and dangerous practice. They especially liked to do their worst on preachers.

We prayed that the Lord would help us escape this custom. Two cars were messed up, but we left in a third. We slipped out of the building and drove away before the chase could get organized. It was necessary to rent a car and park it early that morning, long before the wedding. And we met earlier in the week to hide another car with our luggage. But we were not chased. We had prayed earnestly that the Lord would help us with that.

Behind the warmth and gloriousness, beyond the exhilaration and coddling, behind the fond expressions and attentiveness, are the things that make or break a marriage. All of these wonderful things are fastened to the walls, the foundations, the ground upon which the marriage is built, but are not the substance. A shack that is decorated like a mansion is still a shack. A mansion that is neglected is still a mansion.

The story is told of a certain brother who sat down with his wife on their first night together and asked her, “Do you want to get a divorce?” She was at the height of her newly-married joy and happiness and replied in astonishment that she did not. Whereupon he told her that he did not either, and never wanted to come to that, and stated that he was confident that if they would agree to faithfully follow certain courses of behavior, that they never would. So they covenanted to never go to bed angry with each other, among other things.

If all would do as they did, people would be much happier, and there would be many less broken homes.

The foundation and load-bearing characteristics of a marriage are, to a great extent, laid before the two embark on their voyage as man and wife. It is very difficult to remodel or rebuild your marriage after you have moved in, so to speak. Sometimes it is necessary, even then (and it is certainly better than failing), but I would say without hesitation that it is harder and more difficult.

The weight of everything else that you build in your life will press down on your marriage along with the storms, the earthquakes, the floods that come your way. If your testimony is indeed like this: “He is like a man which built an house, and digged deep, and laid the foundation on a rock,” then your after-testimony can be like this: “and when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently upon that house, and could not shake it: for it was founded upon a rock.”* (Luke 6:48)

God has designed marriage to satisfy a man with a man’s needs and a woman with a woman’s needs. Sad indeed, when things become skewed and one is neglected! That is, when policy is followed instead of the wisdom that cometh down from above. The plan of God is “first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.”* (James 3:17) If husband and wife will get this experience from God in their hearts and practice it on each other, it will produce the fruit of righteousness, which is sown in peace of them that make peace. They will benefit; their children will benefit; all around them will be effected in a good way. The world is a little better place for each righteous couple; it is a little worse for each couple that has not put away iniquity.

“Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun.”* (Ecclesiastes 9:9)

“Be thou ravished always with her love.”* (Proverbs 5:19)

“Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.”* (Proverbs 18:22)

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it…. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself…. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh…. Let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”* (Ephesians 5:25,28,31,33)

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