Which One Is God’s Formula?

“So what do you think about dating vs. courtship vs. betrothal?”

Recently our family took a trip across the states visiting some subscribers. In every home this question was addressed, and, among us girls, a discussion generally formed. Face to face, or on paper, we have heard about your digging to find a better way than dating; the beginnings of how you learned about courtship, and now, for some, the more “complete” way of betrothal. We’ve had open ears as you’ve shared how you have struggled to stand by your decision, despite pressure from relatives and your own feelings. We’ve seen how you want to find the “right path” no matter what the cost. And our heart is right along in there with you: wanting God’s way and His blessing. None of us want to have any regrets.

With this in mind, we have been burdened that the paths of courtship and betrothal that are so popular now (in the homeschooling group anyway!), may actually be false security blankets, leading us blindly down a path whose end is not what we desire. As I write, I feel keenly my lack of experience in this line and feel hesitant that I can get across what I feel burdened to share. I haven’t been there, and the concepts I’m advocating are not based on experience. However, there are some things I’d rather not learn firsthand, but prefer to listen to God’s voice and heed His warnings. As this subject is one that comes up frequently at this time in our lives, I have sought God’s direction and have been surprised at how His teaching differs so widely from the “spirit-led” methods to find a companion. I’ve been concerned about these popular formulas that distract, at best. And out of love, I’d like to share why I do not accept dating, courtship or betrothal.

We’re all familiar with the concept of dating and it is widely accepted that this is a moth-eaten, foolish way of finding your companion. We’ve endlessly discussed how putting ourselves in situations that will lead to multiple heartbreaks is a set-up for divorce. It has been proven that the emotional baggage that comes from this is damaging to a future marriage, while wasting our single years in frivolous fun, alternating with tears from the wretchedness of sin. The risks are too great, we say—God’s way doesn’t cause such damage and pain. So we condemn and move on. But before we do, let’s consider—are these the only reasons we left dating in the dust? I don’t know about you, but I left (emotional) dating because it is destructive to trusting in God. How can we trust God for our companion if we are out there “choosing”? How can we trust and lay our all on the altar if we’re out there indulging in fleshly lusts (emotional or physical)? I left dating, not because the heartbreaks were unbearable, but because otherwise I couldn’t live a victorious life in Christ.

Pain and sorrow are a part of life; but there are two kinds. There is the suffering of a sinner—pain without remedy, anguish without comfort—trouble and travail they brought upon themselves. God saves us from this. We are spared this hopeless heartache. Then there is the pang of grief that comes when a friend goes back on God, a sibling surrenders to Satan’s control, a situation we had high hopes in falls apart—there is pain and suffering there, too, but God is a comfort. God encourages and teaches us lessons that ease the trial. Life, in general, is made of sorrows that God turns to gladness.

Many do not hold that opinion. They think when they find God’s way, it will be perfect and painless. Since dating doesn’t fit that protocol, they move on. God’s way is perfect, but not thorn-free. Was Christ’s path without sorrow? Let us not seek to leave off pain, but instead seek the Comforter. Leaving dating behind to escape heartache is not a good enough reason.

Courtship is the answer to many, many people searching for something foolproof. In leaving dating, many people were concerned about emotional purity. Parents don’t want their daughter giving her affections away and having strong ties with a young man, only to be broken. A bone is never as strong once shattered though it may be able to once more be used for walking—it will remain weakened. So it is with our hearts—regardless if we emotionally/mentally date or physically do so; once our hearts have been crushed and broken time and again, we become calloused, but very weakened to make a strong commitment with true love. But why do people who date separate? From my grandmother’s perspective, who was popular and dated continually in her highschool/college years, dating relationships have a very poor foundation. You dated John because he was tall and handsome and had a car. You dated Karla because she had blonde hair and a pretty laugh. Sometimes your decisions were based on something deeper than that, but not much. With so little of virtue to start with, is it surprising the relationships don’t last? No parental guidance is yet another drawback to more serious thinkers. Young people, overall, are lighthearted and are interested in having a “good time.” (Christ sobers us down if we live for Him.) Parents, having lived longer, should see some of the dangers and want to shield their children. Courtship seems to provide the serious foundation (we’re not just out to “have fun”) as well as lend itself to a family atmosphere. Both families are involved and chaperones accompany the couple. Marriage is the obvious objective. During this time, the formula specifies that much prayer be offered and the Lord’s will sought, as the couple falls in love. When they feel ready to finalize their commitment, they become engaged. This method has been tried, worked by some, but for others had disastrous results. They found that while in the courtship process, they fell in love, yes, but soon they found glaring points that showed clearly it was not God’s will. Their separation was even harder than the common dating breakups because of the serious foundation they started on. I know a girl now of whom the scars of this happening twice have had the effect of hindering her spiritually.

And so, some people, seeing the holes in this pattern of courtship, conclude that courtship is not it. They see the “open-endedness” and feel it must be closed. It is essential, they say, that the Lord’s will be known first and foremost, before the couple has a chance to emotionally attach. We will use betrothal, they decide—eliminate courtship and become engaged in a binding way so there is no chance of backing out. Then, at last, there will be no breaking of hearts. The common questions: how do you know it is the right one without getting to know them?, etc., are easily answered—the father of the girl should spend time corresponding with the young man, getting a feel for his tastes and goals. We will go through the parents, they say, who have no emotional attachment problems to deal with, and they will test the waters. If the waters are good, they ask the young people to join them in praying if the two should marry. If they feel it is God’s will, they are betrothed.

To this theory, I would like to raise some questions. Is this really as cut and dried as it sounds? Is it really foolproof? As I’ve pondered, the thought of my accountability has arisen. It is I who will pledge to love, cherish, and honor someone until we part in death. For all the counsel and loving guidance my parents can give, I still stand responsible for my actions and vows. Despite if I entrust myself to my parents, and they assume responsibility for consequences, on the judgment day, God will be looking at me. But I generally get the results of choices before I face God. How will the elect method of betrothal affect my marriage? If I trust my earthly father, who is a limited human being, to get to know my life companion for me, is he also going to give me victory in my battles when we fulfill the scripture, that they that marry shall have “trouble in the flesh”* (1 Corinthians 7:28)? He cannot do so and it would be dangerous for him to try to fill the role of the Holy Spirit guiding and teaching me. I do not say this to be independent—I want to remain teachable and open—but I must be led by the Lord myself, because God is my source of victory and strength, and I must answer to Him for every thought, word, and deed.

I also venture the thought that my parents are not free from human feeling—they personally may prefer one young man above another. They may emotionally attach themselves to someone who may not be God’s choice for me. It may not be intentional, but if they hear a voice other than God’s, they can plunge me into a situation where I am joined with the wrong one. I recently heard a story of a young woman whose father made a mistake and got her involved in a betrothal situation that was clearly not of God (her father did not see it that way at first). By the mercy of the Lord she was able to get out, but not until after wedding rings were bought and house plans were being considered by others involved. This young lady said that she cried unto the Lord and said, “What happened? I wanted to do it right.”

No heartache? I’m afraid betrothal, too, is not foolproof. As we said about dating: pain and sorrow is not a good enough reason to run to courtship. If we’re switching from courtship because of its open-endedness, and going to betrothal, does not the same reasoning apply?

What is the purpose in writing this? Everyone is familiar with the principals of each formula. My burden in bringing this up yet another time is concern that these methods are actually leading us to trust in them rather than God. Each method is trying to “do it right”—each gets tighter, trying to eliminate problems that arise. It seems people are desperate to find the foolproof formula. But there is not a perfect method. We have found dating has its obvious holes; courtship, as a theory, a method, is not trusting God any more. It really is a sort of more serious dating one person at a time, in a family setting. Betrothal is, in effect, trusting your parents. What is there left to put our faith in?

My dear sisters, why don’t we just let go of all this baggage and trust God? Why don’t you just quit searching for just the right formula and let go and let God work? We can’t put God in a box. You may say, “I am trusting God through my parents in betrothal.” That’s a nice screen to hide behind, but it doesn’t hold water, because we can’t have a relationship with God through other people. Not even our parents. “I am the vine, ye are the branches. He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.”* (John 15:5) Our parents, though they have parental authority over us, are only branches as we are. We cannot have Life through another branch. We must put our trust in the Vine. Our strength comes directly from Him.

You say, “Well, then what do I do? If I don’t have the formula of dating, courtship or betrothal, then what do I put my trust in?” Well, that is the blessed and most glorious part. When we get past all the different labels and forms and throw them out the window, then we can get down to doing the only thing that matters—trusting God! You say, “That’s all?” That’s right, praise the Lord; we don’t have to do anything else. We free God to work any way He chooses when we put it all in His hands and trust, trust, trust! Praise the Lord! It is wonderful just to trust God! Do you know sisters, what we need to do? We need to quit looking for the perfect method—that isn’t the point. We have been totally missing it and we need to humble down and commit ourselves to God. We need to consecrate and die until we are all emptied out and there is nothing left of self. God knows what is best. Let’s stop trying to make God work a certain way, because is simply no use to try to stuff our Lord in a cage. It seems that this is really the trouble—we are up and doing, when we should be down and praying, being still before God. We need to die to ourselves until, if given the choice, we would not move our hand for marriage or not. Likewise, we would not lift our finger to alter the way God would bring it about. Let our ideas be slain, then and only then can the Lord freely work.

We are uncertain at this time in our lives. We are young and we know not what is before us. It is dark and there is a mist that seems to be clouding our vision. We do not know what path is right to take. Let’s seek God, who knows it all. Like the songwriter expressed:

God is working out His purpose,
He has planned for you and me,
Though from us it may be hidden,
Someday we shall plainly see;
How He stands behind the shadows,
Waiting to perform His will.
Whispering, “Child be of good courage,
Every purpose I’ll fulfill.”

God is working out His purpose,
Never murmur nor repine,
For the future’s in His keeping,
Gladly to His will resign;
When the veil at last is lifted,
And the shadows flee away,
We shall understand His purpose,
Through one glad eternal day.

—Abigail Spinks