The Taming School

“Grade One: This grade will be for those who are a little high-headed, self-sufficient or inclined thereto. Upon admission to this class we will give a liberal solution of Mrs. Simpleton’s dope, mingled with a little More-Conceit and Glorying powder. If one should refuse this mixture he will be demoted at once to grade three, the by-laws of which we shall soon read. But in nine cases out of ten, they will take enough at least to give us a hold on them. After this refreshment, Mr. Worldly-Wise will give them a course of lectures on soul-winning, assisted, of course, by Mr. Policy who will give them a few points on unity and other kindred subjects. Then they will receive a shower of gold coins from myself, after which I will induce them, in company with my wife, to visit Mr. Love-the-World’s bazaar, where a large variety of wares of all sorts will be offered, and these will be all the more tempting because of their full purses. Now if they fully obey all instructions, this grade will soon be ready to go everywhere preaching my gospel.”

(Cheers and applause.)

“Grade Two: Now, as to grade two, we have a more knotty problem, and one which I would like to look square in the face and pass on, but I dare not, because of the danger. It is those very zealous fellows. They come from different walks of life, but whether they be learned or unlearned they are much the same; regular firebrands for their cause, and ready to fight with fire or wild beasts rather than to give in. Now the secret in taming them is in some way to quench that fire.

“Now the way to put out a fire is to cut off the fuel supply, and then throw cold water in abundance over what is already burning. By inquiry, I have learned that these fellows’ fuel supply consists mostly of oil which can be had in plenty by those who will only take time to load up; and that the winds of persecution, spiritual conflict, and meeting difficult experiences in the King’s business tend to fan the flames. Therefore the way I have solved this problem is as I cannot cut off the supply of oil, to deprive them of time for refilling. Then I try wet blankets for doing the rest; that is, I will keep them as much as possible from such experiences as will tend to fan what little flame may be left.

“First, I have prepared a laundry and house-keeping course for these zealots. Just when they feel the fire burning the hottest and can scarcely stay in the house, I will tell them that they must be consecrated to wash, iron, sweep, tend babies ,and be general servants for my establishment and my first grade graduates: Moreover I will see that they are kept at it from early till late. Then if they will persist in filling up on the run and hoping still to win souls, in spite of their weariness of mind and body, will go to meeting at night and have the audacity to get up and preach, I will try the wet blanket.

“Then I will appoint my beloved wife and her sister, Miss Pickflaw, to escort them home. My wife shall say, ‘Quite a sermon, only it was not appropriate for the occasion. Besides, your appearance in the pulpit, I’m sure, did more harm than good. You know our congregation is of the better class and therefore our workers are expected to spruce up a bit. You’d better go over to the bazaar tomorrow and get some different looking clothes.’

“And Miss Pickflaw shall add, ‘Oh, yes, I noticed some of the people smiling at your awkward expressions and, really, your gestures were laughable; and besides, what did you mean? By what you said, you seem to be trying to set forth some ideas which we have discarded as obsolete. Now, if I were you, I would keep still until you have a chance to learn more, as we have plenty of the grade one class who can do the preaching.’

“Then I will see that they overhear a good many like remarks, while all the time we shall see that they are kept too busy for replenishing which is done by being still and reading their law. Now if I can do it, I will keep that book out of their hands a week at a time. Better give some spiritual work that he is not adapted to or has no calling for, as this method is a good cooler also, than to let them sit around and read that book and pray. My friend, Mrs. Strenuous, will help arrange those matters.”

All agreed that this course, if long enough, would likely prove successful.

“If Grade Two proves successful in its purpose—that is, quenching the firebrands—then be it resolved that they be promoted to receive the grade one course of lectures given by Mr. Worldly-Wise and Mr. Policy, then sent out to hold down a position.”

“Grade Three: This is the most difficult grade of all as it is really for the delinquents from the first two classes. They will be known as the stubborns or untamables. This course will be purely spiritual as we shall then have proved that no combination of temporal and spiritual power will move them, therefore it must be very severe, of seven-fold heat.

“We will begin by accusing them of all sorts of spiritual wickedness, and tell them that it is very doubtful whether they were ever saved at all, much less called to preach. Then we will suggest that they had better repent, get married, of course to the wrong person, and settle down for life. For many who could never be defeated in any other way have been caught on this hook. If they listen to us in this, then we will get rid of them peaceably and doubtless permanently. If not, then we will still hold that they are possessed of a preach spirit which is of the devil and unless they repent they must go from this establishment, placarded as crooks, deceivers, accusers of the brethren, unruly, and altogether unworthy of confidence. You know, for a young shepherd to start out alone, and with everybody suspecting him—besides, perhaps, a few misgivings about his own spirituality, which we will be able to fasten upon him—will make the future look somewhat hopeless, as well as affecting his own power and freedom. Of course, at one time, such people could be dealt with by torture and inquisition, but since the laws do not allow us to use those any more, we have to use spiritual weapons which do the desired work slowly but more surely, as they affect both soul and body.”

Then did Mr. Policy interrupt, saying, “And if they survive this course, what?” after which there was a pause.

Then Mr. No-Conscience said, “I suppose we will just have to take the consequences.”