We Trusted in God: Part 3

At this point, I feel constrained to relate an incident in my life of which I am ashamed. A minister came to me and admonished me to be careful about a certain young sister’s feelings. She admired me because of how the Lord had been using me as a minister, and the admonishing brother stated that she was vulnerable emotionally and warned me to be careful. My idea of carefulness was not his, as I was very naive about human nature in general and these matters in particular, so I did not do well at all. I thought that telling her how I felt and making plain my intention of only being a platonic friend would suffice to alleviate any harm. I was wrong; my unwise attention to her left the wrong impression and caused her to hope that something would work out or was working out. When it became evident that I really regarded her simply as a Christian sister only, she felt betrayed and hurt. I saw that I was wrong to have paid any attention to her at all. It was not my intention at all to trifle with this sister’s affections, but it had that effect anyway.

Slowly and painfully, I began to realize the nature of the emotional relations between men and women. Here is where I would have profited a great deal from my folks’ oversight. It would have saved me from many unwise actions which originated from the naivete of my youth. The Lord was teaching me of the appropriateness of a vast reserve toward the opposite gender, the meaning of Godly discretion. I was inclined to be too free and familiar by nature—such was the way that I naturally interpreted “[treat] the younger [women] as sisters, with all purity.”* (1 Timothy 5:2) I teased my sister in fun; I spent time with her, so I mistakenly thought I could carry on this sort of friendship with sisters in the Lord. I was greatly in error, as I did not properly understand the nature of what I was dealing with. I meant well, but it did not (and could not) turn out well.

Young sisters with discretion (or discerning parents) simply withdrew, and I was on the start of a path that would have made of me a young man without discretion. But here the Lord helped me, for I really wanted to do what was right and was praying and seeking God when things did not turn out well. Looking back, I can see that if I hadn’t had this desire to please God, I might have become interested in less spiritual young women or even unspiritual ones. The Lord taught me how to behave, little by little, but the indiscretion did some damage to my reputation. There were those who understood, and there were those who did not.

I was about nineteen years of age at that time, and my thoughts and expectations about marriage were largely formed by my conditioning. I esteemed my parents highly and felt that their relationship was an example to follow. They did have a good marriage and got along well. We children were presented with a united front from my parents in our upbringing. They held together before us godly values. As a parent now, I appreciate all the more what it takes to achieve what they did.

Years of single bachelorhood followed these experiences. I traveled here and there in the work of the Lord. At times the loneliness seemed unbearable. One night, in prayer, I cried out to God in agony. “Lord,” I said, “I love children. I want to be a father. Is this all just to be wasted?” The tears fell, and my heart ached. All of my efforts to follow God in seeking a companion seemed to be wasted—I had no companion. As with David, it seemed, “Verily I have cleansed my heart in vain, and washed my hands in innocency.”* (Psalm 73:13) There was One who saw and heard it all.

I began to despair, and backslid. I went into sin and did not live for God for about a month. The devil tried to entangle me, but the Lord had mercy on me. The fear of God was still on me and caused me to frame my doings (Hosea 5:4). At this point, I started over and sought the Lord for forgiveness. He most graciously forgave and cleansed me. I moved back to a congregation in Oklahoma. Here I was rebaptised and sought the Lord again for the infilling of His Holy Spirit. I consecrated to be all His again, as I had been before. Because I had backslidden, I thought that it was less likely than ever that a spiritual young woman would be interested in me. I asked the Lord for grace to live alone. I was twenty-four years old.

My pastor (a godly man) took up the prayer burden. He and his wife began to intercede with God for me. A certain sister’s name came to mind while I was in prayer. I was afraid of it. I was afraid that if it didn’t turn out that God was in it that I couldn’t deal with it. I was afraid of going through a trial like the other one had been. I told the Lord all about it. I told my pastor and his wife, too. They encouraged me to look to God.

The Lord helped me. I resolved to attend a young people’s meeting about an hour away from where I lived where I knew she regularly attended. I determined to wait until I saw some evidence of God working on her end before I said or did anything other than attend this meeting.

I had learned by this time that when God was in a matter, He would work on both ends, not just one. In Jeremiah 32:6-8, the story is related of how the prophet Jeremiah felt that the Lord wanted him to buy property in Judah, although he had been prophesying that the Chaldeans would take the people into Babylon and possess the land. After Jeremiah had this impression, things actually began to work out—Hanameel the son of Shallum came unto him in the very court of the prison, requesting him to buy his field. Whereupon Jeremiah said, “Then I knew that this was the word of the LORD.”* (Jeremiah 32:8) Upon this evidence that God was working on both ends, Jeremiah “weighed him the money, even seventeen shekels of silver. And I subscribed the evidence, and sealed it, and took witnesses, and weighed him the money in the balances. So I took the evidence of the purchase, both that which was sealed according to the law and custom, and that which was open.”* (Jeremiah 32:9-11) “Take these evidences, this evidence of the purchase, both which is sealed, and this evidence which is open; and put them in an earthen vessel, that they may continue many days. For thus saith the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel; Houses and fields and vineyards shall be possessed again in this land.”* (Jeremiah 32:14-15) He entered fully and completely into the transaction when he was assured that God was in the matter.

I went for a number of months to this young people’s meeting—each week, if I remember correctly. I paid no special attention to the sister or spoke to her other than normal courtesy. Nothing happened that indicated that God was in the matter on her end that I could see. Finally, I told the Lord that as nothing was happening, maybe I had better quit going. Then I felt that I should ask her out to eat and talk, to see if God was in the matter. Take the search for God’s working on her end to another level, so to speak, to see if it should be pursued. I felt a blessing in this; also, I renewed my consecration to break off all contact if no evidence of God’s hand should surface.

Before I saw her again, I managed to break my leg. So the next time I went to that young people’s meeting, I was on crutches with a cast. I found out that I couldn’t carry my Bible and hop around on crutches as well, so a friend of mine carried my Bible in for me. Several offered to carry it out for me at the end of the service, too, but I pointed to Elois, who was talking with a brother’s wife, and stated, that if she didn’t mind, she could carry it out for me. She indicated that she would be glad to do so. At my car, when she handed me my Bible, I asked her if I could take her out to eat at a certain day the next week. She readily consented, but I still could not tell if God was in it or not.

I was looking forward to sharing an evening and a pleasant meal with a sister in Christ who I highly respected and appreciated. I had known her since I was about fourteen or fifteen and felt definitely that she dearly loved the Lord and was living for Him by His help. I felt certain that her eyes were on the Lord and she would not pursue anything like this unless she felt God was in it. As to whether the Lord was in the matter or not, I was confident that God would cause it to come out right. If He did not, without any further ado, I intended to break off all contact and have nothing to do with the matter. I was not at all interested in anything that did not clearly and plainly have God’s approval and blessing upon it in unmistakable terms.

Now I am forty-four years old and am relating events of about twenty years ago. And in this narrative, I am now facing the age-old question back over the years. That question, of course, is, “How do I know who is the right one?” And I will tell you—at that point I didn’t know. I was trusting Him who did know to guide me aright. I had told Him in prayer that I had realized that I didn’t have the knowledge or insight necessary to choose the right companion. I didn’t have it then, and the Lord helped me to realize that both she and I would change as we grew older. I was much impressed with my lack of ability to properly evaluate (1) our current compatibility, and (2) our future compatibility. It was one of the wisest things I have ever done (and I did it by the Lord’s help)—to confess my lack of wisdom.

I pause here a minute to reflect and contrast this way of proceeding with the way of the world. My mother and father dated to gain familiarity with the other gender, to learn to know themselves, to develop skill and understanding in dealing with others, etc. To a certain extent, it worked. But it left its scars, its sad stories. “I didn’t mean to hurt him.” “I didn’t mean to lead her on.” They felt more competent as they gained more wisdom; I felt more at peace in Jesus as I saw and confessed my great need of help and trusted Him. The first way is your search for what you think is best, with the prayer that God would bless your Ishmael (Genesis 17:18), while the other way is completely and wholeheartedly that God may have His way. How weighty are the words of the Proverbist, “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.”* (Proverbs 3:5-7)

We would now like to quote a little from The Christian’s Secret of a Happy Life:

We come now to the question as to how God’s guidance is to come to us, and how we shall be able to know His voice.

There are four especial ways in which God speaks: by the voice of Scripture, the voice of the inward impressions of the Holy Spirit, the voice of our own higher judgment, and the voice of providential circumstances.

Where these four harmonize, it is safe to say that God speaks. For I lay it down as a foundation principle, which no one can gainsay, that of course His voice will always be in harmony with Itself, no matter in how many different ways He may speak. The voices may be many, the message can be but one. If God tells me in one voice to do or to leave undone anything, He cannot possibly tell me the opposite in another voice. If there is a contradiction in the voices, the speaker cannot be the same. Therefore, my rule for distinguishing the voice of God would be to bring it to the test of this harmony.

[Hannah W. Smith; The Christian’s Secret of a Happy Life, “Difficulties Concerning Guidance”]

It was the harmony of everything that began to establish my belief that God was actually in this matter with this dear sister. Perhaps you are acquainted with some individuals, zealous and consecrated, who have made a horrible mistake in this matter of Divine leadership in marriage. They thought they were marrying in the order of the Lord, but it turned out to be a tragic mistake.

It is a serious and solemn thought: if the devil cannot get us to abandon the right path for the ways of sin and self-will, then he will try to push us too far into an unreasonable and fanatical way that will damage us just as much. The Lord is just as faithful to keep us from one error as from the other if we will consecrate our lives to Him and follow only the sound of His voice.

Surely you can see, dear reader, the awful advantage which Satan gains over two souls (and those who are added to the couple) if he is successful in causing us to listen to other voices than the still quiet voice of the Holy Spirit. This decision is one of the most critical that you will ever make, ranking just behind your decision to live for God at all. So great is the influence on our own soul’s welfare of the one that we marry, that it is almost true that in choosing our life companion, we are almost choosing heaven or hell.

There are certain critical, vital things which are necessary for a sound, healthy marriage to work as the Master Designer intended. If these things are missing, run! Leave it alone! Give the entire matter to God and flee!

There must be a strong natural affinity between the two who are intending to be man and wife. The presence of natural affinity is too often taken as conclusive and that is not sound, but it is important that it be there. What a mistake to marry someone to whom you are not attracted! Someone with whom you realize no natural affinity! Marriage is both spirit and flesh. Consider 1 Corinthians 7:5.

It is important to fall in love after you know that God is in the matter of a truth. Then and only then is it safe to fall in love. One minister said that marriage should be a life-long love affair that never stops until death. No one should ever marry anyone unless they really love him/her. You are going to need it. You cannot get along without it. You had better really be sure that you really love him/her, and that he/she really loves you.

Wait on God until you know. Tarry until you are absolutely certain. “They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”* (Isaiah 40:3) Do not presume; do not run ahead of the Lord. “Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.”* (Psalm 27:14)

Well, after I had waited and was sure, did it work? Did I fall in love with Elois? You better believe it! Ask anybody who was around and knew us. I fell head-over-heels, absolutely crazy over her. One of our friends said of me, “It’s good to see that you have got it as badly as she does.” And, twenty years later, I’m still crazy about her. By the help of the Lord, I expect to be madly in love with this wonderful wife of mine right up to the end of our lives.

I am in love because I set my will to love her. Sometimes I feel more loving than other times, but I am in love with my wife all the time. The feelings, more or less, come and go, rise and fall; but the consecration of my heart and the dedication of my life to my darling are continual and constant.

But wait a minute! How was I sure that this one was the person to love? The one and only? The workings of the Lord began to unfold—to reveal themselves.

He had been dealing with her. I do not think that she would have gone with me to eat out if she had not felt that this was opening up for her from the Lord. Long afterwards, she told me that she was thinking as I asked her out, “It’s really happening.” Behind that lay dreams; dreams which disturbed her and led her to consecrate herself lest she be led only by desires for a companion and not by the Lord. I do not want to tell all of my wife’s story (although it is very sacred to me), for I think it best that you hear it from her.

The time was ripe. God always moves when the time is right. The ripeness of our lives for this step was shown in a thousand ways, but when I think upon this, I feel strongly led to emphasize complete dependence upon God above anything else. Dear reader, there is not a magic formula, a perfect checklist. God did not intend for you to know ahead of time how it works altogether, yet He did intend for you to have a full assurance when the hour is come. Quiet yourself. Submit your natural desires for a companion and home to Him who knows and understands all things. Humble yourself before God and pray for more perfect love and dedication to Him. Pray to die to all but Him that you may truly live. Trust Him with it all when all seems dark ahead. “As it written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him. But God hath revealed them unto us by his Spirit.”* (1 Corinthians 2:9-10) Trust Him that it will be revealed. “The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust.”* (Ruth 2:12)

Do you think that the Lord will let you down and fail to bring good things to you? “Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear him.”* (Psalm 103:1) “Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.”* (Psalm 37:5) These words were written by one who learned much of the great value of waiting on God. The Almighty Himself encourages you to trust Him with your life and for all things.

The unfolding of the precious will of God was wonderful. Mingled with all the joy of special love for the one special individual was a supreme love for God and His ways, and a clear definite knowledge that we were doing as He would have us do. All was on the altar of perfect consecration, and the steady ripening of our love for each other was sanctified by the Master’s will. What a beautiful time of exploration and adjustment! Our time together was very precious; our conversations hallowed. Very little hint of the adjustments ahead were visible to our enraptured eyes at that time. But He whom we trusted was preparing us for those times ahead just as surely as He had prepared us for the time at hand.

As Elois and I began to spend time together, we were much impressed with how easily and naturally we fitted together. We found that we shared many common interests in everyday life as well as spiritual values. It was a joy to talk, to open ourselves to each other. We were innocent of the understanding that we also possessed many different tastes, habits, and ways. The discovery of how much we had in common completely eclipsed how much we did not. This, of course, is classic. The path to maturity must begin with immaturity. “Trouble in the flesh”* (1 Corinthians 7:28) seemed far away.

At this point, in discussing the joy and sense of completeness that comes with finding your companion, I reflect on the universality of this experience. People who do not even love the Lord or know Him fall in love with each other. People from arranged marriages, wherein they were promised to each other as little children, may fall in love. Loveless marriages (what a sad spectacle) may change into a relationship where husband and wife fall in love. People fall in love who have no right to do so. This experience of romantic love, which can bring one of the most wonderful joys that one can know, can be imitated by an unlawful, illegitimate substitution which deceptively mimics the genuine. My mind goes back to a minister of God who was preaching on this subject. He stated, “God has put an attraction between the man and woman.” He paused, then added, “It is good that it is so.” In spite of how it is abused, it still functions wonderfully in the realm where God intended it to. Unselfish affection even has a certain uplifting characteristic among those who have sunk far down in degradation.

Consider for a moment the great plan of the Master. He could have devised a way for children to come into the world without parents, without families. He could have made us so that we are left in eggs in the sand as turtles do. No real affection develops between the Mama turtle and the youngsters. No affectionate family ties between Daddy and Mama turtle. If you think this is a strange thought, I beg of you to look around. Is it not true that many young people try to act as though they just appeared on the scene somehow, as though they had no Mama or Daddy, no parents?

God has designed us differently, has He not? There is a potential in us that is not in other parts of His creation. Many have concluded that the feelings of love, openness, etc. are not designed to last. That might suffice, they would say, for the time of youth, etc., but it can’t stay like that. Men are men; women are women. They actually prove to have little in common, etc…. No doubt you recognize the philosophy. It is the way of bitterness, of disappointment, of remorse, of failure. Its close cousin would have us believe that lasting happiness, etc., is for the fortunate few—“Just lucky, I guess.” Some people have found so little good in the human experience that they are actually envious of turtles, sad to say.

God did not mean it to be this way for people. He designed marriage to be “honourable in all.”* (Hebrews 13:4) He personally married the first couple. If a man and woman go about it as they should, God’s plan offers enormous benefits to the couple, together and individually, and to everyone else. We all benefit from the effects of strong, healthy marriages and wise parenting. We all suffer from the effects of weak marriages and foolish oversight.