Part 4: Parting

Love is so great; and Sam and I loved each other. It would have been impossible to give him up without the Lord helping me. With Him all things are possible. God’s love is greater than all this. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”* (John 3:16) I prayed to God for grace and strength.

I trust this awful experience will be a great help to the reader. Stop and think what an awful thing double marriage is before you have stepped into it. Dear souls, you’ll never be happy in double marriage because you’ll know you are not pleasing God. I warn you, dear young people, don’t let this happen to you.

I feel sure that many who have read this far must have wondered if I really stood true to my decision. Yes, I prayed for grace and strength: only God Himself knew how much I needed it. The days went by; Sam was in Europe in a bitter war. I did not know whether he would be spared or not. One thing I knew—he loved our baby and me. It would be too much for him to bear if I told him while he was so far away that we could no longer be husband and wife. So I kept the news from him until he came home. While he was away, I wrote to him often, but I realized I must not continue to say things to build up his affection and love for me. At the same time I felt I must keep the truth from him temporarily.

Sam came home from overseas on July 15, 1944. I will never forget that day. It was all a surprise to me; I did not know he was even in the States. On that bright July morning, while sitting on Mother’s front porch, shelling peas, I looked up and saw him getting out of a car. It was all so unexpected! Even though I had it settled once and for all to give him up, the moment I saw him—-the man I had learned to love and admire, still standing tall, handsome, and uninjured from the bitter war—my heart leapt with joy. Without realizing any more, I found myself in his embrace. His first words to me were, “You are still the same. I am so happy to see you.”

At that moment I knew I wasn’t the same, and that heavy pang came over me. Now what was I going to do? While he had been gone I could say, “Yes, I give him up.” But now he is home. I am in his arms again—the embrace that through the bygone days had meant so much to me, and even now, needless to say, as far as the natural longing was concerned, still received a cordial welcome.

Yes, it was unmistakable love, but we had found it too late, and we had to part. How could I tell him? What was he going to say? What about our little daughter? Would she ever understand? Somehow I had thought that God was going to make it easier for me than this. But, no. We are a tried and tested people, and we have to come through the fire. Unless we are tried, how can we be proven?

At the time Sam came home, his father was ill. So, shortly after he had greeted all my family, he said, “Honey, get ready and let us go to see Daddy.” Under these circumstances, I realized I could not add to the present worry. So, I dressed the baby and myself and went with him. The task was getting larger now. Sam did not know what was going on in my heart. There I was, torn between two decisions. Sam had taken about all he could from the strain of the war and was quite nervous. Yet, he had to know and I had to tell him.

The day passed; he had enjoyed it and was so happy to be with his family. Now I looked to God to help me. I must not wait any longer. He had to know. When we were alone and the night was still, I said, “Sam, there is something I have to tell you. Please, try to understand.” So, by God’s help, I told him my story. As I related earlier, he was suffering with his nerves, so this was almost too much for him. But I returned home to spend the night at my mother’s house.

We stayed on together while he was on furlough, but each day our hearts grew heavier. When I would miss Sam and go to look for him, I would find him lying across the bed crying. It was truly a sad picture. I was suffering too, but I had made my decision and God was with me. The flesh is weak, and my heart went out to him in such great pity and love for him, that I said one day, “Sam, I cannot stand to see you suffer like this. What do you want me to do to help you feel better?” His answer was, “There is nothing you can do.” I felt such pity for him, while at the same time suffering much myself.

All along I had fully determined to obey the Lord and prove true, but it was a slow process. I knew I had to go slow, but what I had to do was sure. There was no mistake about that. While I was with him, coldness and unrest came over my soul, insomuch that I could not move on spiritually, neither could I really pray like I had been. At night when I would start to go to bed alone, I missed that sweet hour of prayer and communion with the Lord. I got so that about all my prayer amounted to was, “Dear Lord, please have mercy on me until I can get out of this!” Those few words came from the depths of my soul and my Lord knew it. I was most unhappy under this strain, but I was always aware of the fact that I was only passing through the cloud. In due time the real climax would come.

In so many experiences during that time I would say to myself, “I am just doing this temporarily”; or, “I am doing this, but my heart is not in it.” And again, I would ask God to please be merciful and see me through. Yes, I knew God was with me all the way. Had He not been, I would never have made it. But praise the Lord, He is true to His promise. He said He would never leave us nor forsake us, and I have found His promise is true.

When Sam’s furlough was up and he went back to camp, I told him that this must be our final farewell. So, without saying much he went back to camp. He was sent to Fort Sam Houston, TX, and from there sent me a letter saying, “Darling, parting isn’t easy and we haven’t parted. I love you and I will see you in two weeks,” which he did. This time, he had only a week off and when he left, I told him he must not come back again, but he did. Soon he was transferred to Louisiana and he came home often. Each time I would tell him that it must be the last time. Sometimes he would promise to try not to come again, but as he would start to drive away, his last words were, “I’ll see you.” Once again we talked it all over, and he promised not to come back.

Earlier, while Sam was still overseas, I had moved into a house real close to Mother’s, where I was living when he came home. During the time I was going through all this trouble, I always slept at Mother’s and Sam knew it. One night Sam was at his mother’s on a weekend pass, and at 1:30 a.m. he got up and came to see me. I heard the car and it awoke me. When I heard his footsteps, I knew it was him. As he stepped on the porch, I said, “Is that you, Sam?” His answer was, “Yes, Darling.” And with the same breath he added, “Please don’t scold me for coming; I have something to tell you. I could not sleep tonight. I love you and I have thought of a way that we can live together.” I was already sure there was no way, but seeing the look on his face and the happiness he displayed, I had to hear his story. Bless his heart, he was as sincere as a man has ever been, as he said, “You know something, Darling? We can live together. We can go to the Catholic Church and make our confessions, and the priest will marry us. We can have our wedding blessed and become Catholic and live together and still go to Heaven!”

His enthusiasm was great and he was so happy over his idea, that at the moment, I didn’t have the courage to tell him how wrong he was. So, I pretended that it would be all right, just to have a few moments of pleasure in seeing him so happy. As I think of it now, I know it would have been best to have told him right away. But I waited a little while, and then explained to him that it just would not work.

Oh, I am so thankful I had already prayed through, and God had made His will clear to me. Otherwise, I would have never made it. What I have written is just an example of the gross darkness some people are living in.

Seeing his idea wasn’t as great as he had expected, Sam went back to his mother’s with a heavy heart. The only thing that saved me was that I had settled it in my heart to go all the way. It is good we do not always know in advance how far “all the way” is, or, no doubt, we would never have the courage to start. But our Lord knows how to get us to Heaven, and I still pray, “Lord, help me to get to Heaven, whatever the cost.”

I prayed for the Lord to work as He knew best to help Sam give me up, and I believe God did help. Sam finally said he knew it had to be over, and so on the 17th day of February, he said goodbye. It had taken us seven months and two days to part. It is too bad there isn’t more love like that today. We would have less divorce in the land.