Unexpected Experiences

As the days went by, Howard Gray contrasted the new life he was now living with the life which he had lived before. How different it now was from those days when he had made no profession of religion, but had run his course in the way of sin, not without conscientious scruples, however, and often with a sense of the spiritual impropriety of his life, but at the same time usually giving little thought to the moral aspects of life! In general he had acted from ordinary, selfish motives. How differently he now felt! How different he was! His desires were different and his outlook on life was different. There was little in common with that old life.

This life was also a contrast to the life Howard had lived as a member of the church without being born again. Now his heart was light. He was untroubled and full of peace. There was a joyful exuberance that buoyed up his spirits. It was now a delight to attend church services, and he loved to be with Christian people. His affection for his old associates still remained, but he no longer had any desire to enter into their sinful pleasures, for he did not enjoy their company as before. Profanity, vulgarity, and rude jokes were offensive to him. The practical jokes he had loved to play did not seem to appeal to him in the same way any longer. To be sure, he had not lost his sense of humor; his wit was just as keen as before, and he could laugh just as heartily and have just as good a time, but in some way the whole course of his life was changed. He found his pleasures in different things than formerly. Different things appealed to him. He delighted in reading the Bible, found much pleasure in prayer, and he loved to be in the presence of older persons when they talked about the Savior and their experiences in the Christian life. As he approached God, he felt a nearness to Him. It seemed like he could talk directly to God, and God seemed to talk to him. He had learned what it is to have fellowship with God, and that fellowship was very tender and sweet.

Howard felt himself changed with respect to those outer things that surrounded him. He felt a love toward all humanity; a kindliness toward all men, to which he had been a stranger before. There were some persons whom he had disliked very much; he could hardly think of them without a frown. Some of them he felt had wronged him; others he just disliked for no particular reason. His feelings toward them now were different. All the old bitterness and dislike that had rankled in his heart were gone. He could not yet approve of some things some had done, and in some he could see no very likaable qualities, nevertheless he had a kindly feeling for them, even though he did not feel like cultivating their society. Resentment toward those who had misused him was gone; he had forgiven them, and had dropped matters forever. This in itself removed a serious cause of irritation and gave opportunities for peace in a direction where there had been no peace before.

Howard showed a tenderness toward dumb creatures about him. He could no longer be harsh or cruel to the stock; no longer tormenting them with his practical jokes. He felt a mercifulness and kindness toward them quite different from anything he had felt before. He did not feel like giving pain to anything or anybody. In fact, he found himself having a consideration hitherto unknown. He was truly a new creature, not only in his relationship with God and in his own inner life, but in his relationship with God’s creation as well.

This new life brought him supreme content. He looked forward to the coming years of life. Of course, things would always be just as they were now. That was the Christian life he had been dreaming of; that was the joyfulness that had caused Miss Burns to be like she had been. He understood it now. He knew why Miss Burns could be so even-tempered and have such an undercurrent of joy in her life.

Howard Gray, like many another young Christian, had a rosy view of his future. He was yet to find out what all learn sooner or later, that life’s roses have their thorns and that the holiest of people have their difficulties. The great change that had taken place in him and the new experiences through which he was passing had for a time obscured some of the facts of life. He was wholly unaware of this. So he walked for the time being in a paradise of satisfaction. He lived on his emotions. Had he received some much needed instructions at this time he might have avoided some things that afterward gave him much trouble, and might have been spared much anguish of spirit.

But even now in the midst of his joy there were some things that troubled him. He remembered some things that had happened in his sinful life, wherein he had wronged others to a certain degree. These things he had been taught it was his duty to make right. He wanted to do so, but of course it was a humiliating task. There were not many such things in his life, but three or four stood out very clear and rested very heavily upon his conscience. Yes, he was quite willing to make them right; he wished very much they were right, but to face the parties and to humbly confess what he had done and ask their pardon, was a thing from which he shrank. Such a thing is rarely an easy task. Howard put it off from day to day. One day he met one of the men to whom he felt he ought to confess something and he really wished to do it, but it seemed so hard that he permitted the opportunity to pass by. How bad he felt about it! How much he wished he had used the opportunity, but it was now gone. His conscience sharply reproved him, and he felt that God was displeased. He went upon his knees and promised that he would speedily make the matter right. Then peace came into his heart again, and his joy returned. A little later he had another opportunity, but again his courage failed. This brought a repetition of condemnation.

The time came, however, when he faced the situation like a man and set about making everything right that he thought he ought to make right. When he once set about it, he did not find it nearly as hard a task as he had supposed it would be. All treated him with kindness. The man he had feared most treated him best of all, and he was ashamed that he had been such a coward as to have delayed for so long that which it was his duty to have done. But now it was done, thank God! That burden would rest upon him no more. How relieved he felt! Many another person has failed just where Howard nearly failed in this matter, and thereby lost the peace out of his soul and came under the condemnation of God, when, had he played the man, his peace would have been preserved, the joy of his soul would not have been disturbed, he would have done his duty, lifted up his head, and faced all men with a clear conscience. It pays to play the man. The coward’s way is always a hard way. To make things right that need making right is the noble way: any other course is ignoble and unbecoming to a professed Christian.

Howard went on for a time, joyful, peaceful, victorious. Ah! this was the life to live! But presently something quite unaccountable happened. For some reason his joy seemed to subside, and he did not have that flow of emotion that he had had at first and most of the time since. He came to the place where he felt no particular stirrings of his emotions. His conscience did not smite him. He did not feel that he had done anything wrong, but he was troubled. That joy that he had supposed would always abide with him seemed to have faded away. He began to ask himself, “What have I done?” Doubts crept in. “Surely I have done something or I would not feel thus,” he reasoned. The clear assurance of his salvation that he had had for so long seemed fading away. He went to pray, and vowed to God that he would be faithful. He earnestly asked God to help him to be a true Christian, and prayed until the joy came back into his soul. Now he knew he was saved, for he had the same joy, the same assurance, that he had had at first.

To his dismay, however, these joyful emotions did not last long, and when these joyful emotions were gone, his confidence oozed out, and his assurance gave way to doubts. The more he doubted, the worse he felt, until at last he came into an agonized state of heart from which he suffered keenly. Now he knew he must have done something wrong, but what was it? He did not know. He looked back over his life, but he could see nothing that was wrong. He sincerely tried to do what he ought to do, but he was sure he ought not to feel thus, and would not feel thus, had he not done something wrong. For days he was in this troubled state. Under the discouraging influence of this condition, he did not speak as kindly sometimes as he had been speaking before. He was not as patient as he had been. He was tried in unexpected ways. But he fled to God and prayed until the clouds cleared away from his sky and once more he was joyful.

This joy, however, lasted but a few hours, and then subsided. Many times after prayer he would be joyful for a time, but that joy would soon pass away and then his doubts would return. For some months he went on thus, striving earnestly to do the right. Sometimes he would get along well for a few days, then the clouds would overspread his sky again.

During this time Howard had been attending the meetings at the Ridge. The present pastor was an earnest man of God; a new man who had taken up the work there at the close of the second revival meeting, the one that had led to Howard’s conversion. Howard enjoyed hearing him preach, for this man expounded the Scriptures well. Howard learned many things through his preaching, but this pastor, like many another, failed to give the young converts that simple teaching on practical points that would enter into their own experiences, which they needed much to hear. He did not seem to realize what Jesus meant when He said, “Feed my lambs.”* (John 21:15) He seemed to feel that the young converts would thrive on the same kind of preaching that the old, experienced Christians enjoyed. He failed to take into consideration the fact that the young converts were merely babes and that they needed the care that should be given to babes. They needed to be given things convenient for them; things that would help them to meet the perplexing problems that arose in their daily lives. They needed that practical guidance which would help them to understand the answers to their own problems.

The preaching at the Ridge had failed to give the needed instruction, and so Howard had fought along alone, going over an unknown road, not understanding his own experiences, fighting battles with unknown foes, and often being worsted when the victory was right in his grasp because he knew not how to gain it. But one thing Howard had settled—he would not give up. He might be discouraged, he might have dark days to pass through, but he remembered the days of trouble through which he had passed before being saved. However, he was disappointed in his Christian life to a considerable degree. He was having the same kind of an experience that many another young Christian has had, and from which he might have been saved by proper instruction and guidance.

But help was soon to come. Some of Howard’s difficulties were soon to be removed in a very simple and unexpected way. An old gentleman, Brother Miles by name, had moved into the community with his family and had settled a little distance from the Ridge shortly after Howard’s conversion. Howard had heard this man testify in the church, and he seemed to have such a quiet, settled, confident air, and seemed to be so untroubled in his Christian life, that Howard longed to be like him. Brother Miles had noticed Howard’s joyfulness in the early part of his Christian experience and that for some time now he had at times appeared joyful and at other times very much cast down. So one Sunday morning after the close of the services he called Howard aside and asked him how he was getting along.

“Well, Brother Miles,” said Howard in reply, “I can hardly tell. Sometimes I think I am getting along fine, and then at other times I do not seem to be getting along well at all.”

“Come and go home with me today, Howard, and let us talk it over,” said Brother Miles. Howard was only too glad for the opportunity. He longed for help, but he had hesitated to speak to anyone about his troubles with that natural hesitation that most people feel. The very time when they should be seeking help and explanations of their troubles is the time when they feel most like shunning those who could help them, and would be glad indeed to do so. Howard learned that he might have missed many of the troubles through which he had passed had he gone to this friend before and opened his heart to him. He went home with Mr. Miles that day and after dinner they had a good, long talk together. Howard opened his heart to him and told the whole story. He was ashamed that it should be as it was. It was only because he so much wanted help that he would tell the secrets of his heart.

When he had finished, Brother Miles said, “Yes, Howard, I know the story. Your experience is just like that of thousands of others. I want to explain where your trouble lies. In one sense all of these troubles have been unnecessary; that is, if you had met the situation in a proper way, you might easily have overcome your troubles. From another standpoint these things have been very necessary for you in order that you might learn some needed lessons that will be good for you throughout your life and perhaps be good for others, also.”

“I do not see how any good can come out of such things, Brother Miles.”

“Good comes out of everything, Howard, when we are earnestly meaning to do God’s will. Have you not read the Scripture that says, ‘All things work together for good to them that love God’* (Romans 8:28)?”

“Yes, I have read it,” said Howard, “but I could never understand it. I could never see how good could come from such things.

“We sometimes learn best through our mistakes,” said Brother Miles, “and sometimes understanding comes most clearly through misunderstandings. Your trouble has been that you have misunderstood things. In the first place, you have not understood God. You have thought of God as a hard master; not the loving, kind, compassionate Father that He is. You have felt that He would condemn you for doing things that you did not know to be wrong. You have felt condemned and have felt that it was God condemning you, but you could not see that you had done wrong. You have loved God and yet you have been somewhat afraid of Him. God is always loving, kind, and good. He does not ask of us anything that would make Him appear unkind or uncharitable, or anything that would be in anywise unjust to us. It would have been unjust for God to have condemned you when you had done no conscious wrong, and when you were trying your best to please Him.

God does not condemn you; that condemnation you feel is self-condemnation. You do not understand yourself; you judge yourself by a wrong standard. You think you have been feeling almost as bad and having about as hard a time as you had before you were really converted. You have been looking at only one side of things. You say that sometimes you have no evidence at all that you are converted and that you thought that you should always know you were right. You have taken into consideration only a portion of the evidence. You have analyzed your feelings and when you felt good you were sure you were all right, and when you felt bad you were sure you were wrong.

“You have lived on your emotions; that is, you have made your emotions the basis of your confidence in your experience. Our emotions can never be a safe basis from which to reckon our spiritual standing. Our emotions are like the waves of the sea they rise and fall according to the circumstances, and very often according to external circumstances. You have overlooked the differences between your present life and your past life that count most of all. When you look at your changed desires; your changed attitude toward God; the different motives from which you act; the different attitude that you hold toward God, toward His people, and toward His truth; look at the difference in the life you now live, that is, in your conduct; compare the seeming shortcomings of your present life with the known shortcomings of your past life—is there not a great difference along these lines?”

Howard was thoughtful for a few minutes and then said, “Yes, Brother Miles, in those respects there is a great difference in my life.”

“Those are the things,” said Brother Miles, “that constitute the vital difference between a Christian and one who is not a Christian. When you come to analyze where your difficulty has lain, you see it has lain principally in your emotions. The great difference in your conduct, in your relations, in your attitude, and in other similar things has been overlooked by you when you contrast your present life with your past. These are the very essentials of the Christian life. Whether you feel good or feel bad amounts to little when you are right in these things.”

“But,” said Howard, “if I am right, shall I not always feel right?”

Brother Miles smiled. “Your feelings sometimes depend upon something else to which you have given little attention. Did you ever read in the Bible where it says, ‘The just shall stand by their feelings?’ or ‘We know we have passed from death unto life because we feel joyful?’ No, you never read anything like that. The Bible says, ‘The just shall live by faith.’* () It says, ‘We know that we have passed from death unto life, because we love the brethren.’* (1 John 3:14) Faith and love are two great things that count most in Christianity. Faith has a more sure basis than our feelings. It is founded on the unchangeable Word of God. The Bible says, ‘He that believeth on the Son of God hath the witness in himself,’* (1 John 5:10) and again it says, ‘We believe and are sure.’* (John 6:69) The Bible promises that ‘if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.’* (1 John 1:7) Now, if you are doing what you know to do to please the Lord, you have every right to believe that the blood of Jesus now cleanses you from all sin; that is, from the guilt of all your transgressions, and that you are clean in His eyes.

“This is about the way it has worked with you, as it has worked with many another person: you believed unto salvation, and joy came into your heart. Then you took that joy as an evidence of your salvation instead of taking the Word of God and that conscious change that had been wrought in you for it. You went along very well until your feelings subsided and your emotions ceased to be stirred. In other words, you began to be somewhat used to living the Christian life. Your emotions, which could not always be keyed up as they were in the beginning of your experience, became tranquil. One scientific law is that to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. When your emotions are stimulated and buoyed up, this stimulus necessarily must be followed by the swing of the pendulum in the opposite direction. This is a law of nature, and such laws are as true in the spiritual world as they are in the natural world. So a reaction from that joyful state was to be expected. The trouble was that you did not understand how to meet it when it came. When your joy subsided, you began to question yourself, and as soon as you began to question yourself, doubts came in; you opened the door to the doubts and invited them in. As soon as you began to doubt, your assurance was gone—that inner witness to salvation was gone, for we can only have that witness when we believe God, as it is based upon faith. If faith is not active, then your assurance cannot be active. This is a law and is inescapable.

“When the witness was gone, you doubted yourself still more, and the more you doubted yourself, the worse you felt, and the worse you felt, the more you doubted yourself. If, when your joy subsided, you had remained steadfast in faith and had relied upon the assurance of your salvation that you had from God, you would not have been shaken. You would have known that you were just as much saved when you had no particular feelings or when you felt bad as when you were joyful. Your faith would not have been founded upon your emotions but upon something more sure—something really reliable. Therefore, the fluctuations of your feelings would not have troubled your confidence in your salvation in the least. You are saved as long as you live righteously; as long as you are obedient to God; as long as you submit to His will and trust in Him. Thus, so far as it relates to your experience of salvation, you have had all this trouble for nothing.

“If you will learn to believe just as steadfastly when you have no emotions or when you have bad emotions as you do at other times, you will be victorious all the time. One thing you should always remember is that God is faithful. If you do anything that is displeasing to Him in your Christian life, He will let you know it. He will point out just what it is, and you will find that He is always ready to help you to take the right position and to maintain it.”

“Brother Miles, I am sure that what you have said will be a great help to me. I see now that had I known these things and acted upon them, I might have avoided a great deal of trouble and distress.”

“Yes,” said Brother Miles, “that is quite true, but you have learned, or are in the way of learning, some very valuable lessons from your experience. You will find, however, that it is not easy to discredit your feelings when you feel bad, and since you have so long relied upon your emotions, you will not find it easy to stop doing so. But you must stop doing so. You must remember how unreliable our emotions are, and you must base your salvation on something more substantial than emotions. However, if you have any further troubles, do not suffer them through, come to me and talk them over, or go to some other experienced Christian and talk over your troubles. There are many things that experienced Christians know that they could easily tell younger Christians if they realized their need. So go to such Christians frankly and freely and they will help you over many a hard way and through many a trouble, for the Christian may pass through many unnecessary troubles if he does not know how to meet the complications of life. The great thing is to keep your heart open to God and to walk conscientiously before Him, doing what you know will please Him, and avoiding what you know will displease Him. When you do this, you can rest in full assurance of faith in His promises to keep you from day to day.”