An Experience a Hundred Years Ago

I have often thought of recording some of the mercies of my God—the experience of His goodness to my soul. I was fond of the gaieties and follies of the world until about fifteen years of age, when I became awakened to the needs of my soul. In all former seasons when God called me, I was unwilling to part with the vanities of the world or to bear the reproach of the cross. I wanted the Christian’s safety without His duties and crosses, but I now fell at the Savior’s feet and inquired with trembling, anxious words: “Lord, what shall I do? I will part with everything or do anything for an interest in Jesus.”

I do not recollect deep conviction for any particular sin, but sorrow that I had lived so long in neglect of God, not being willing to acquaint myself with Him who is the fountain of all blessedness. I did not obtain an evidence of pardon and acceptance for about three weeks, though I sought it with prayer and tears. My burden had become exceeding heavy, too heavy for my strength, and I sank to the floor. While kneeling there I was absorbed in contemplation of the glories of the heavenly world. In an instant darkness, sorrow, and mourning fled away, and peace unspeakable and full of glory took their place. I rose to my feet to sing and rejoice in the name of my dear Redeemer.

I was away from home with a family who were not Christians, though amiable, kind friends. I said nothing to them, but they had noticed my distress and now observed the happy change. Among my private writings I find the transaction thus recorded:

January 13, 1805—I have this day publicly devoted myself to the service of God and entered into a solemn covenant with the eternal King of heaven to renounce the sinful pleasures of the world, with whatever is displeasing in His pure and holy eyes; to walk in His commandments and ordinances; to seek His glory and the best interests of His church here below; and in confidence of well-doing, to look forward to a happy inheritance with the saints in light.

For a season I thought I was dead to the world, but did not persevere in that course of consecration, which alone secures unwavering hope. As I was the only young person in the neighborhood who professed religion amid a large society, naturally amiable and loved, I had many temptations to return to folly, which I mainly resisted; but sometimes I went with them instead of endeavoring to bring them all to Christ. Here I first experienced a diminution of my happiness. I could not go from the circle of my folly to my closet and find my Savior and hold sweet communion with Him, but with adoring wonder, I remember that when I repented, He forgave me. When I returned to Him, He healed my backslidings and loved me freely.

After I was married, I was anxious to train my children in the ways of the Lord, but through many cares and on account of having to work very hard, I neglected their early religious instruction. I found that I needed a deeper work of grace in my heart, and when for the time I ought to be a teacher, I had need that one teach me again “the first principles of the oracles of God.”* (Hebrews 5:12) My prayer was, “Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.”* (Psalm 51:10) I wanted to be freed from sin and thoroughly cleansed from all iniquity, so that I should never vex or grieve Him more.

For something more than a year I suffered much from the buffetings and temptations of Satan. I knew that Jesus was near and sustained me in those conflicts, although it seemed that He had left me alone to contend with the powers of darkness. In the midst of these trials I had temptations of rebellion against God to call Him unjust, to reproach Him for creating me. The temptations came to “contradict Him.” I did it, but oh, the horror of that moment! Until then I had resisted every temptation, as I thought, but now a worm crushed to the earth beneath the mountain weight of its sins had dared to rise in the face of infinite wisdom and excellence and contradict Him. This, I thought, must be the sin for which there is no forgiveness. But I could weep tears of penitence; could sink at his feet and own it just. What less could His insulted majesty and purity do than crush the rebel worm! But He did not do it. Not even a frown was upon His gracious brow. It seemed that there was salvation for every sinner who had not, like me, contradicted Him and thereby “made him a liar.”* (1 John 5:10) I contemplated the glorious character of God and concluded that unless I could find evidence that my sin was against the Holy Ghost, I should only be repeating that dreadful sin while I refused to believe the promises intended for me when penitent.

I retired with my Bible spread open before me and, kneeling down, read and prayed over the chapters in Hebrews which represent the blessed Savior as our sacrifice and high priest. In the twenty-fifth verse of the seventh chapter I found this assurance: “He is able to save them to the uttermost that come unto God by him, seeing he ever liveth to make intercession for them.”* (Hebrews 7:25) Here was something to meet my case. “To the uttermost” I had insulted him, but “to the uttermost” he could save. I believed and here my soul entered into rest. I embraced the promises, rich and boundless, as my own. In Christ Jesus they are all there for me. I felt and said with heavenborn confidence, “This is firm footing; this is solid rock. My feet are placed upon it to remove no more.” The view was not transporting or rapturous like my first conversion (if so it may be called), but calm, delightful, “strong consolation,” firmer than the everlasting hills because founded on the immutable Word and oath of God in Christ. It was “hope… as an anchor of the soul, both sure and stedfast, and which entereth into that within the veil.”* (Hebrews 6:19)

Eleven years have passed since, and my peace has been like a river. In the world, to be sure, I have had tribulation and expect to have, for Jesus told me I should; but, blessed be His name! in Him I have peace. I love the subject of Christian perfection, or entire sanctification in this life; but I have not been fully able to reach the point to obtain that deeper experience. Yet I believe I perfectly desire to do the will of God. May God bless the efforts of all dear brethren who are laboring to promote the sanctification of believers.