Children Need Praise

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Benjamin West described how he became a painter. One day his mother left him with his sister Sally. He found some bottles of colored ink and decided to paint Sally’s portrait. In the process he messed up the kitchen. When his mother returned, she said nothing about the kitchen. Picking up the paper he was working on, she exclaimed, “Why, it’s Sally!” And she rewarded his effort with a kiss. West said, “My mother’s kiss that day made me a painter.”

William James wrote, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” All of us, in the glow of feeling we have pleased, want to do more to please. When we are told we have done well, we want to do better. Dr. George W. Crane, author and social psychologist said, “The art of praising is the beginning of the fine art of pleasing.”

Failing to praise one’s children is a common fault of parents. Many children seldom hear a compliment. Yet they are scolded if they fail. It is all too easy to reprimand, to condemn, and to blame children, to focus on their failures and unpleasant behavior and what they didn’t do. Think of the improved conduct and sheer joy which would likely result if our words of encouragement to our children equaled or exceeded our words of criticism.

Martin Luther said, “Spare the rod and spoil the child—that is true. But beside the rod keep an apple handy to give him when he has done well.”

Every day a small girl came to school dirty. The teacher thought it looked like the same dirt day after day. Being kind and understanding, she did not want to hurt the girl’s feelings or embarrass her. She knew the girl wasn’t getting the right attention at home. Maybe her parents didn’t care, but the teacher did.

“You have very pretty hands,” the teacher told her one day. “Why don’t you go to the rest room and wash them so people can see how really lovely they are?”

Delighted, the girl washed her hands and came back beaming. She held up her hands proudly for her teacher.

“Oh, they’re beautiful. See what a difference a little soap and water make,” she told the girl as she hugged her warmly.

Every day after that, the girl came to school a bit cleaner. Eventually she was one of the neatest students in school.

Why did the youngster make such a change? Because someone complimented her. By praising the good points she improved.

Persons seldom change because we point out their faults. Nor will they love us for doing so. They will likely resent us. If we want to help others become beautiful people, we should work at it through praise and encouragement. Sincere praise is the warmth and tenderness all of us need to change for the better.

If we think back, it was probably the kind words of encouragement of a parent, teacher, or friend which gave us selfconfidence and the good image we have of ourselves. It was the criticism we received which causes our identity problems.

In his fine book, Adventures in Parenthood, W. Taliaferro Thompson shares the experience:

It was the rule at our home that before a child could go out to play on Saturday morning, he had to make up his bed and clean his room. The door of the room of our eleven-year-old son was at the head of the stairs. It usually stayed open, and I looked in as I passed. If he had failed to set things right, I would go in and have words with him.

One morning as I was halfway down the stairs, I realized that his room was in apple pie order; I had seen it out of the corner of my eye, and I had taken note of it. If it had been in disarray, I should certainly have gone in and begun to condemn.

Somewhat ashamed, I retraced my steps, went in and examined his bed carefully. It was beautifully made. I could honestly compliment him on it. “Why,” I said, “this would have pleased the strictest inspector in camp. It would have passed inspection at West Point….”

You have seen a halfgrown dog begin to wag his whole body when you pat him or speak to him in friendly tones; my son was affected in just that way. His response was immediate and amazing. “Daddy,” he said, “I think I’ll go over and get your mail.” It was at the end of the campus. “When I come back, I’ll go and get my hair cut.” We had spoken about the state of his hair several times during the week, to no avail. “When I get back from there, I think I’ll wash the car.”

I had given him deserved praise, then, for him, God was in His heaven, and all was right with the world. And I had come so near going on my way without saying anything about a real achievement that took time and effort and a certain amount of skill!

[W. Taliaferro Thompson; Adventures in Parenthood (Richmond: John Knox Press), pp. 47-48]

Praising a child does not spoil the child. It is the child who does not receive praise for worthy work when the child deserves it who will seek praise in bizarre ways. So when the gang praises the child for cheating or stealing the child will naturally seek to become an expert at that.

Guidelines in Giving Praise

1. Praise children’s performance, not their personality.

We should praise a child for accomplishment rather than for character. After a kind word praising a child’s character, such as, “You’ve been a real good boy,” the child often responds with bad behavior. Why? The child may be fearful that he cannot live up to the goodness expected. The child feels he must, in some way, deny what he senses isn’t true.

One family reported on a trip. For half a day of travel, their small son in the back seat behaved so well in being quiet that the mother finally turned and said, “Billy, you’ve been a real good boy this morning.” After this compliment, there was no end of trouble. He emptied the ashtray on the seat. He made noise and threw things around. The reason? While he was quiet he was feeling mean toward everyone in the car, angry that he had to leave home just when he and his friends had made good plans for the week. When Mother said he was “good,” he knew better and needed to deny what she said.

Instead of commenting on character, praise should acknowledge chores well done, thoughtful acts for others, dependability, and honesty. Parents should commend a child for trying hard to do well, even when the child has not been entirely successful. Praise should point out progress.

2. Praise what children are responsible for rather than that which they cannot help.

For example, children cannot help it if they have beautiful hair or blue eyes. To praise a child for such things can build pride and conceit. But to praise a child for acts of kindness and generosity does not spoil a child or make a child proud. A child needs such approval for feelings of worth. A child who has the approval of others can afford to be humble. The proud or boastful child lacks a sense of personal worth.

3. Recognize that praise is especially needed from people who are important to a child.

Parents are the most important persons in the world to the child. The child’s world is small. Parents are the center of that world. And when parents praise a child, the child feels loved and secure. As one son observed, “It didn’t matter what any other person said. It helped a little. But when my dad said, ‘That’s a good job,’ my world changed.”

To praise a teenager helps the youngster overcome timidity and develop independence. Praise develops generosity, initiative, and cooperation.

Lack of recognition causes a child to feel unneeded, unwanted, and that the child is a nuisance. This is true not only between parents and children, but in other relationships at school, work, or play. One school was plagued with an unusually high dropout rate. Something had to be done. An insightful person suggested that the faculty should become more communicative. He proposed that they talk with students in the halls, calling students by name if possible. The school soon developed an exceptionally low drop-out rate.

4. Praise sincerely.

Children know when you are sincere. They cannot be fooled. Praise dare not be phony. Flattery will fall flat. Sincerity teaches the children how to accept congratulations with ease and to receive honors with humility.

5. Praise children for what they do on their own initiative.

To do a worthy thing without being told deserves special encouragement. Such commendation leads to still greater selfreliance and confidence.

This means that a parent should be quick to praise a loser also. In a race all but one are losers. Attitudes as well as achievements are worthy of praise. To compliment a child who has tried, yet lost, gives the child courage to keep trying and motivation for the tough times every person must face.

Alta Mae Erb, in Christian Nurture of Children, writes, “A child may also be discouraged in selfconfidence by giving him too hard a task for his ability and then trying to hold him to a high standard of accomplishment. The comments on the first cake are more important than the taste of the cake.”

6. Keep in mind that the sooner praise comes the better.

If the parent is on hand when the success is realized, it is good. If the parent is present when a child has tried and not succeeded and then gives an encouraging word, it is even better.

7. Remember that parents’ attitudes are just as important as their words in giving encouragement.

The way a parent stops to listen, the way a parent shares in the success or failure, the tone of a parent’s voice—all these create an atmosphere which encourages or discourages the child.

If a child lives with praise, the child learns to appreciate. An adult can get along without daily praise. A child cannot. A child must have it to develop. A child will shrivel up without praise. Fortunate is the child who receives sincere and genuine praise.

Will Sessions, discussing the topic “If I Had a Teenager,” says, “I would bestow praise. If the youngster blew a horn I would try to find at least one note that sounded good to my ear, and I would say a sincere word about it. If the school theme was to my liking, I would say so, hoping that it would be a good grade when it was turned in. If the choice of shirt or socks or shoes, or any other thing met my liking, I would be vocal.”

Probably no other thing encourages a child to love life, to seek accomplishments and gain confidence, more than proper, sincere praise—not flattery, but honest compliments when the child does well.